On violence and other demons

Whether it is physical, sexual, cultural, spiritual or cybernetic, violence is always about power and control. Violence is a repetitive process, which can escalate to crime and even murder. This sick power-control game is causing deep trauma into the victims. But what is domestic violence from a psychological point of view and what are the stages of this process? Psychotherapist Cristina Nastase explains.

Cristina Năstase: "From a psychological point of view violence in the family, also known as domestic violence involves intentional premeditated actions based on physical or emotional constraint against another family member in order to control them. So, this is abuse. Domestic violence is a repetitive process, a succession of abusive actions, which can become predictable. This violence loop so to say has four stages, that can be noticed either in the behaviour of the victim or the aggressor. The first stage consists of tension. The victim is tensioned and they are walking on eggshells trying to calm down the spirits. In the second stage, that of aggression, the victim is being humiliated, sad and has the feeling of unfairness and that the other always gets what they want. In the third stage, of rationalizing, the victim tries to understand and help the aggressor to change. The victim doubts their own feelings and feels somehow responsible for the situation. In the fourth stage, the reconciliation, or the honeymoon as was dubbed, the victim gives another chance to the aggressor. The victim offers their full support hoping the aggressive behaviour will change. Unfortunately, Romania ranks among the first countries in the EU in terms of domestic violence. Every 30 seconds, a woman gets beaten and 3 out of 10 have suffered physical and psychological aggression since they were 15. Another EU statistics shows that every hour, two children in Romania are victims of domestic violence and 86% of these abuses are taking place inside the family. Only one out of 9 parents says they would never hit their children while 50% say they are doing it for the benefit of the children. 63% of the children have confessed they have been hit by their parents at least once".

Paradoxically, although repeatedly abused the victim does not leave the aggressor. Fooled by the aggressor's behaviour right after the abuse, the victim feels like giving the aggressor another chance. Then another one. Here is Cristina Năstase again at the microphone:

Cristina Năstase: "There is a certain stage in the abuse process, called the honeymoon, during which the abuser changes their behaviour towards the victim in order to prevent her from leaving. They may appear as showing genuine remorse, pledge to seek professional help and even behave in order to regain the victim's trust. We should not forget the victim is in a state of confusion and the aggressor's pledges and changed behaviour can make the victim to believe the relationship can be saved. It is very important for the victims to understand they aren't the cause of the abuse and they should avoid any feeling of guilt, which is actually keeping them trapped in this relationship with the abuser."

The abuse can take various forms as Cristina Năstase further explains:

Cristina Năstase: "There are several known forms of domestic violence. The most evident of them is physical violence, which refers to bodily harm. Sexual violence includes non-consensual sex, involving family members and even children. Psychological violence can take the form of threats, coercion, harassment, emotional blackmail, humiliation, gaslighting, using children as a means to put pressure, and so on. Social violence involves the forced isolation of the victim, by forbidding or restricting contacts with friends or family. Economic violence is the prohibition to work, restricting the victim's access to money, personal belongings, food, telephone, everything that would make the victim autonomous. Spiritual violence may include preventing the victim from speaking their mother tongue or forcing unacceptable religious practices. There is also a new form of domestic violence, cyber-violence, which consists in online harassment, monitoring and intercepting the victim's devices without their consent. All these forms of violence are used to gain a position of control and power."

Emotional blackmail, manipulation, coercion, frequent mentioning of the victim's past mistakes, are all elements of guilt tripping. Cristina Năstase:

Cristina Năstase: "Guilt tripping is a form of domestic violence called emotional violence. Unlike physical violence, it is a long-term process that the victim fails to perceive and ends up by seeing as normal. It is basically a form of verbal or non-verbal communication through which the abuser seeks to induce a feeling of guilt or responsibility so as to control the victim's behaviour. This is a clear form of psychological manipulation and coercion, and it may be identified in various situations: when the abuser suggests the victim has not worked as much or as well as they have, when the abuser discusses the victim's past mistakes, when they remind the victim of the favours they have received, when they behave as if they were angry but then they deny having a problem, when they resort to the silent treatment while their body language makes it clear that they disapprove of the victim. Guilt tripping may work when trying to make the partner do something, but the cost is that the other person feels manipulated."

Children are the most vulnerable and the easiest to hurt. Perfect victims, lacking any defence, abused children actually take this to be normal. Psychologist Cristina Năstase tells us about the consequences of physical, psychological and other forms of violence on children:

Cristina Năstase: "Children often remain loyal to the abusing parent or caregiver, because they are afraid of what might happen if they speak about the abuse. An emotionally abused child may also come to believe that name-calling or emotional neglect are normal facts of life. Children may be unwilling to talk about the abuse because they mistake it for normal behaviour. Children often think they are responsible for the abuse, for being unwanted or unloved. It is only by contrasting their own experience with the ones of other children, by discussions in school, that they can eventually understand that what they experience is toxic. The consequences of domestic abuse in children may be severe, and they may last until adulthood. These children will experience attachment disorders, intimacy problems, conflict resolution difficulties, destructive behaviour, addiction, aggression, emotional unresponsiveness, and without adequate intervention those who have been abused as children are more likely to abuse their own children later in life." (tr. D. Bilt, A.M. Popescu)